WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
We have a winner.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.