For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
You Might Also Like
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city