Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
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Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
*names my little horse OneTrick*
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.