At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
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Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
A choir of Spring onions
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.