[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
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WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My blood type is coffee.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out