Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
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Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Ah..makes sense now
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
#Caturday
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.