“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model