The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
You Might Also Like
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
#StillHurts
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated