My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
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Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Called it
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?