Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
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sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
The only equipped I am is ill.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”