ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
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Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
congratulations to them