It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
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Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.