COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
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Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can