Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
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[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Birds & Planes.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.