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“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y鈥檃ll are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Ethan isn鈥檛 playing around this semester
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he鈥檚 on the toilet or if it鈥檚 a one way street
Kidney stones? Hard pass
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
the three genders
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what鈥檚 your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing