Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
This meeting could have been a cake
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
just pretend nothing happened
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Yoga Matt
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone