Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.