doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
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my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
OH. COME. ON.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
This could be us, but you weedin’.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD