Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
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Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.