I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
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Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
when there are deer in the woods
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Are you ok, human???
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’