A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
You Might Also Like
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?