i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
You Might Also Like
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.