Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
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Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day