Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.