[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
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Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
become ungovernable
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr