🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
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ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?