*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Twitter remains undefeated
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey