made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
You Might Also Like
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
good let them take over I have had enough
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.