What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
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Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
what day is it?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
scrabbled eggs
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be