I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
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Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
every single time
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile