*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
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this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
This forever.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
nature’s most graceful animal
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
peak technology
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.