Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.