Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
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Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.