ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
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[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.