Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
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If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom