German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people