i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
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Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Very problematic
Modded the new Gran Turismo
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry