Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
That eye roll….
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*