Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
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Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
catch me on valentine’s day like
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Sponch
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife