You Might Also Like
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
What number SPF blocks people?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions