[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
You Might Also Like
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about