Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
You Might Also Like
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair