Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
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My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
my mind
You just read my mind
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*