Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”