Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
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A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
🤣🤣🤣
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.