Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
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TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy