Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
You Might Also Like
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Danger is very dangerous
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.