[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
You Might Also Like
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.