[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
You Might Also Like
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Is….Is this an option?
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else