ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
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Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge